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[msmemory_archive]

Dr. Wollman (geriatrician affiliated with rehab building) has sent Mother back to the hospital, where they can give her fluids and do some more tests. Dr. Sheiman (primary doc) will check in on her, and call me afterwards. (His speculation is that it might be the stomach bug he's seeing a lot of in the metro area.) I asked him to let me know if he thought it was grave enough for me to come down.

Comments

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing it. It does help to have someone take me seriously, when I am worried about her dying. Sometimes it seems that if I mention her mortality, people pooh-pooh the notion, as though I am wishing her dead by considering the possibility. She's 84, and while her health has never been fabulous (asthma, and too little exercise), it hasn't been trouble til this year. She was hospitalized in November for a week or so with congestive heart failure, and then for three weeks ending last Wednesday for pneumonia and more heart trouble.

I do think I need to go down there this weekend and give her permission to go on, if her body wants to. She has asked for No Extraordinary Measures, and I agree. I don't think there's anything I can do about her views on organ donation at this point -- should've settled it a decade ago, I think, if I were going to change her mind.

I have deeply mixed feelings about her dying. I love her, but I also do not want to see her lying about "waiting" for years, or suffering, or shuttling back and forth between the hospital and the rehab facility til her patience and her Medicare are gone.

When I was there last Saturday, her mood was waffling back and forth between "I want to come up to Boston and see your new house," and "I want to be sure you know how to reach my lawyer and that Pastor Brian has a file on what I want for my funeral."

I've spoken to both her doctors today, and Dr. Wollman says he doesn't think I need to hurry down during the work week, but coming on the weekend would be good. Dr. Sheiman says "it's not critical," and is investigating the theory that it's one of the current random bugs. I get the feeling that both would tell me to come if they thought it were going to be a problem.

[patsmor.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you feel good about her doctors. That's really, really important.

I think people aren't thinking you are silly, but they do want to comfort you. Recently a friend came to see me after her father died, and finally she said that it was terribly frightening to only be 45 years old and not to have any parents any more. She didn't want to be the oldest generation. I think people want us not to talk about it because we all feel so achingly lost when our parents are gone, yet just as you feel, we don't want them to suffer or be only partially able to get out and live.

The best gift my mother ever gave me was having all her funeral arranged for and planned before she died. The only thing we missed was setting up the pot-luck visitation afterward. My dad was just completely blown away -- I think he never really believed she was going to die -- and so as eldest daughter I got to take care of everything. Mom took care of me that last time by having all those arrangements made.

You should tell your mother that it comforts you to know that she and Pastor Brian have talked about what she wants, because you know it gives both of you peace of mind, even if it's another 10 years before that funeral takes place.

Let your friends there love you and take care of you. That's really important for you.

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

I think people aren't thinking you are silly, but they do want to comfort you.

This one probably needs to get written on a post-it and stuck to my monitor, just to remind me.