Funerary traditions

[msmemory_archive]

It's funny how each of us assumes that our traditions surrounding death are the One Natural Way to handle it.

What I grew up with assumes calling hours to be held at the funeral home, an open casket, a funeral held at the church within the first three or four days, and burial at the cemetery, attended by family only. In April, when Mother died, this was what we did (minus the optional corteges between sites). It was a little embarrassing, however, since so few people came to either the funeral home or the church. (I come from a small family, which is not close, and Mother had survived most of her closest friends.) We could have used the smallest receiving room at the funeral home, and held the funeral either there or in the downstairs chapel instead of the main sanctuary (cap. 1000). And graveside it was just Mark and me, and the hearse driver and gravediggers.

jducoeur's traditions involve cremation and either a memorial service or a "celebration in memory of" at home.

Last night, marysdress and I went and paid a call on Barbara P and her daughters, who had put out the word that they would be At Home to receive condolence calls. I think that worked much better, especially given the kind of people who would be calling, than holding a receiving line in a funeral parlor. There were about 10 or 11 callers there at any given point, including madamebuttery and krisattiac and their husbands, sipping tea and encouraging B to remember and reminisce about the particularly fun bits of P's life and their marriage, along with telling us more about his last day. It was social, low key, less formal than a rented funeral home site. (In retrospect, if I'd had a place to do that in Mother's memory, I would have preferred it.)

Still, paying a condolence call on a widow my own age, who was married the same summer that Justin and I were, is a sobering experience and made me run home and crawl into his arms.

Comments

[jdulac.livejournal.com]

I am old enough that I can remember when this "at home" tradition still existed. My grandfather died when I was only 3, but his casket was set up in the parlor (the good room with the velvet furniture) and neighbors and relatives came to call at the house. The move to funeral home hosted observances had not yet been fully completed in Italian/American culture anyway. Although very young, I still remember my grandfather's last days, spent in the front room in a hospital bed with my sister and I climbing all around him. And I remember my father picking me up to say good-bye to him in his casket. None of it seemed strange or frightening to me then, and I could only wish to have a death at home like that myself.

[dervishspin.livejournal.com]

At home funerals are making a comeback, by the way, as part of the green and anti-consumer movement. People choose to die at home, hold the wake at home in the presence of the dead, and can choose to be buried without chemicals in a cardboard box if that's what they want.

I wish I had met Patri. All the stories I have heard make him sound like he was someone not to be missed.

[ramblingmom.livejournal.com]

I think we each find some comfort in our own traditions. (I haven't been Catholic for 30 years -- yet still when I go to a Catholic funeral it's brings a certain level of repose).

I'm glad you were able to be with Patri's widow. I know it's hard to when death hits close to "our" age cause we're not old enough to go yet.

Hug Justin real tight this Valentine's day.

[its-just-me.livejournal.com]

I wish I could convey the subtext of what I'm trying to type. Death has been a topic in our home that my grandmother and I felt very close to each other about. It's odd such a thing would bond two people. Both of us find so much beauty in passing on and haven't had any fear of it. This of course does not negate the absence and grief felt by loved ones, nor the complex realization of one's own mortality.

I found a lot of beauty and respect in the passing on of many sould through the year. It's not even a religious feeling more as a cycle completing itself. Finding this natural wonder, to me, and my grandmother helped us out a lot in coping emotionally and actually experiencing joy in what most see as dark, and macabre.

[kimbari.livejournal.com]

I have a friend who lost her husband to a massive heart attack a couple of years ago. She's a few years younger than me and her husband was younger than Rich.

For the next couple of weeks I kept checking on him when he slept, to make sure he was still breathing. (He got SO pissed one night when I woke him up "checking." LOL)

That's a hard one. *sigh*

[kfitzwarin.livejournal.com]

It's funny how each of us assumes that our traditions surrounding death are the One Natural Way to handle it.

We've been having a little of that every since Gyrth died. (For that we had to call in "Catholic consultants"....) We had (blissfully, I guess) so few funerals when I was young that I'm honestly not sure what my tradition dictates. But I've always like that one - the home visiting. I'm glad you were able to drop in on BP and the girls.

Hugs to you & J.

[editrx.livejournal.com]

No one had told Elric and me that Patri had died on Sunday. I wish I had known; we would have come down to see Barbara. No one's fault; we're out of the loop.

I don't know what else to say; I can't really express it. Patri certainly touched our lives many times in many ways, and I've been waiting for this day since we heard about his terminal illness. God.

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

I'll make sure I send you details of the memorial service when they're known. As of last night, Barbara is still working on date/site stuff. (OMG there are a lot of organizations' schedules to consider.)

[editrx.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm afraid it'll be after Elric leaves; it'll probably be just me coming down.

[cellio]

The Jewish tradition of shiva is similar to this. The funeral is typically held in a funeral home and of course there's the burial, but the family receives visitors at home for the better part of a week, and people talk about the departed and tell stories (not all somber) and generally comfort the family in a familiar environment (home). Also, people bring food -- lots of it -- so the family doesn't have to cook during that time. Doing this in the home facilitates that kind of support.

[jimpage363.livejournal.com]

HUG.