Eastern Star (rant?)

[msmemory_archive]

Just ruminating for the moment.

Right now, I can't think of any good reason to stay in the organization.

I'm tired of being nagged about scholarship committee stuff. Yes, I realize I've held up the checks to the people who returned their paperwork promptly because I was waiting to get the paperwork from the procrastinators and send my documentation to the Treasurer. Yeah, I just got the first four together. Maybe I'll hear from the other three sometime.

I don't want to go to ceremony rehearsals; I don't want to go to the meetings when I could be doing something far more pleasant that doesn't involve skipping dinner, squeezing into evening clothes and high heels, and insincere "worship."
ETA: I'm tired of the rehearsals and ceremonies being based so carefully on exact reproduction of the text and floor work. So what if I turned a round corner there? Or said "said" instead of "saith"? Too much energy expended on carefully listening and critiqueing and too little on emotion and meaning.

I'm tired of being smothered by the TLC of my fellow chapter members (with 2-3 particular exceptions, who happen to be in my own age group). They're all ready to send me get well cards, but not so ready to cut me slack when I don't meet obligations because of illness.

I'm tired of being pressured to take offices or committee seats, bring potluck, help with catering, etc. Especially I'm tired of being guilted into doing stuff "because you young people should take up your share."

I won't have to feel apologetic for an organization allegedly open to any theistic person with the proper Masonic connection, which actually and explicitly expects Christianity in its ceremonies and modes of recognition. (Every time we get a Jewish applicant, it upsets me that we sing "Blest Be the Tie That Binds Our Hearts in Christian Love.")

Yes, if I drop out, either casually by skipping meetings or more formally:

I'll leave a gap on the Hundred Year Anniversary Committee.

I'll never be appointed to a Grand Chapter office, like Grand Star Point -- but I'll never have to deal with the resulting burdens of travel and fundraising. (And staying does not guarantee me such an appointment, either.)

I'll miss having excuses to buy pretty evening gowns.

I'll miss particular people in my chapter: JMA, KMB, DMG, PSI.

Comments

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

Especially I'm tired of being guilted into doing stuff "because you young people should take up your share."

Have you read this recent post from siderea? It seems potentially relevant.

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

Hm. OES as a Red Family. Could be. And unsurprisingly, the organization is strongest in Red states.

Red Family

[metageek.livejournal.com]

The Red Family/Inherited Obligation model offers an insight here: people put up with an Inherited Obligation family because they expect to get their own chance to be top of the heap. It sounds like OES isn't going to last long enough to give you that.

You might want to step back and look at OES from the viewpoint of Negotiated Commitment instead. From that point of view, it seems to me as if they're breaking their commitments to you: you've supported them, but they aren't supporting you when you need them.

[elizabear.livejournal.com]

Honey, if it's not giving you anything back and you're not having fun, then maybe it is time to say goodbye. You have other things you can do with your energy that will make you happy.

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

"not giving you anything back"

That's a really good phrase for me to hang on to and explore in my head. What am I getting back from it? What should I expect it to give me? Or is it all a pyramid of give-give-give?

Especially, what place does it have in my life if it's always going to be my second organization? The women who make the deepest connections within OES are those for whom it's their primary club. Attending two chapter meetings, a committee, a regional dinner, and a work-party or two, every month, is not such a big problem for someone who bases her social life on OES, as I do on the SCA (where a similar schedule doesn't make me nuts, generally, for the same reasons).

[oakleaf-mirror.livejournal.com]

Especially I'm tired of being guilted into doing stuff "because you young people should take up your share."

Well, that's one antidote to the "vintage" label we sometimes get from the youngsters.

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

Heh. I am darn close to being the youngest active member of my chapter. We have younger members, mostly other members' kids, but once initiated they never became active.

[rufinia.livejournal.com]

I toyed with the idea of applying (because I've got the lineage to do that, but not get scholarships :P), and may again ponder it, but realized from s afew comments you made that I'd be the youngest one around by FAR- and didn't want to be that position at this time in my (zomgcrazy) life.

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

You might get scholarships, though I think we require some minimum number of years of membership by you or your ancestor, just to keep people from joining to get money. Of course, by that time hopefully you'll be Dr. Rufinia, and it'd be too late.

[rufinia.livejournal.com]

The scholarship requirements said the relative has to be grandparent or closer, and the closest I've got is great-grandparents and a great-uncle. (Grampa wanted nothing to do with it, and was irked that his daughters did.)

[oakleaf-mirror.livejournal.com]

I can well believe that. My father and brother are Masons, and I've heard any number of stories about lodges where the only active people are retirement age or older.

They belong to what sounds like one of the very few active lodges that is bringing in, and involving, young people. But it took them a while to get there, and three lodges merged into the current one (and oh, the drama there!).

[lucianus.livejournal.com]

I would echo the others in suggesting you evaulate what you are getting back from the organization. Does your contribution really stimulate you? Do you really need all those evening gowns? ;)

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

I think you are getting good advice.

And, with your organizational skills - if you cannot naturally find opportunities to wear beautiful gowns, and if jducoeur cannot find them, and if your friends cannot find them... damnit, we can make them.

Certainly you know one or two people that like to play dress up and have parties? :-)

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

I could start throwing fancy dress dinner parties (oh, what hardship!) or take lessons at the local Fred Astaire franchise, or something :)

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

Or cruises, or theater, or just fancy-dinners out, or whatever.

When Anna last took me "out to dinner" for Father's Day, we dressed up. I wore my tux, and she wore her favorite new white dress.

We were the prettiest people in the entire Chinese restaurant. :-)

[alethea-eastrid.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'd come in a heartbeat!

[kimbari.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. My grandmother was in Eastern Star. (She died a few years ago.) My daughter was... recruited (if that's the word) but I don't think she stayed with it because she couldn't afford it.

Small world. :)

[msmemory.livejournal.com]

A big part of why I joined was that I was attracted by the beauty and feeling behind the OES funeral ritual as performed by the ladies from my grandmother's chapter.

It's a shame to hear that someone dropped out on account of money. We do try to discover and sustain such members - dues forgiveness, hand-me-down gowns - when we can.

[johno.livejournal.com]

"If it's not fun or good for me, why am I doing it" has been an philisophy I've been following for several years now. And it sounds like this orginization is not fun and not good for you anymore.

As to telling folks to "take their share", is one of the surest ways to drive them away.

[cellio]

I'm an outsider to that particular organization, so I might be off-base, but it seems to me that one of the primary functions of the group is to act as a "fraternity" -- in the sense of "voluntary community where people feel some allegiance to each other", not in the "beer party" sense. So you've been giving for a long time, and now that you need to be on the recieving end a little they're giving you flack? That doesn't sound like the type of community you probably thought you were joining.

Fortunately, you don't have to make a decision now if you don't want to. You can quite reasonably take a break because you have other things going on in your life, and if any of the old biddies give you grief over that or -- should you decide to return later -- try to block you from leadership, well, screw 'em.

[dsrtao]

Of course, if you're the youngest member, you could wind up Grand Dame Mistress Lodge-owner Fishsticks simply by sticking it out.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

I'm with cellio.

When folks are dissatisfied with the SCA, I tell them to take a year off. No commitments, no offices, and often, no events. Still see friends, of course; for lunch, for dinners-over, whatever.

After the year, they can decide whether to jump in again, or not. I think the same thing applies to just about any organization.

[lisagw.livejournal.com]

I'll miss having excuses to buy pretty evening gowns.

Who needs an excuse for pretty evening gowns?

I'll throw extra parties so you can wear them (and me, too!)

[bubbette.livejournal.com]

If you're not getting anything out of it, walk away for a while. Pay your dues so that you're "current" if you want to come back in, but otherwise tell everyone that you're a little busy with your real life and you don't have time to deal with this. (It's not like you don't have enough personal issues to take up your time...smile.)

We've both given this same advice numerous times in "la cosa nostra". There's nothing wrong with taking a break and walking away...you can come back later, rested and refreshed and ready to go again, and they'll be quite happy to have you when you do. (You're a service wonk...any volunteer organization will be happy to have you.)

Be a little selfish now and again.

[dmnsqrl.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel.

I was in Rainbow girls for a long time. My mom's was a member of Eastern Star for a long time. My grandfather was a mason.

I ended up deciding to demit sometime 5-10 years ago and my mom supported me in my decision. I decided the status of "Rainbow Majority Member" was good enough for me. Mom was thinking about demitting and I think she may have done that, too.

It.... is an organization that had some good things for us at one point.... but no longer.

But yeah, making that decision can be hard, especially if one has been invested in being a part of a group.... having an identity of being part of that group.

[dmnsqrl.livejournal.com]

And, yeah, I have some pretty gowns in my closet I can't bear to part with that I may never have an excuse to wear again :)

[artisticphoenix.livejournal.com]

What most of the other people said, but with one addition.

I'm sure you can talk to someone who is in charge of your chapter and explain your feelings. Surely they can understand that 1) life happens 2) that if they are having more and more problems with retention of the young that there will be NO ONE in 10 to 15 years and you will be gone. It is just a little add on, maybe they won't realize the gift of you, but it may change the way they do things down the road.

If it ain't working for you, take some time. If they don't understand, then they probably don't deserve you. :-)

[yew-hall.livejournal.com]

I can relate to all you wrote. In a nutshell, that's why I never joined OES, despite being from a Masonic family & being a former state officer in Rainbow. From listening to my Mom's endless complaints, I heard way too much of the pettiness & pointless squabbles, & way too little of the meaningful ritual & caring community. Too many big fish in small ponds.
In my experience, there are very few such organizations that still function as they were intended. They have mostly fallen behind the times. My mother has attended gatherings for the sole purpose of brainstorming solutions to these problems, & from what she has told me, the sessions turn into brainstorming for fundraising & preserving the status-quo.
So, even if I had the spare time, had blue enough hair, & could pledge my belief in *one* god, I'm afraid I would not join. There aren't enough people *like you* in the organization for it to be fun for me!